For so many parents, telling a child about sex is about as welcome as head lice. How do I start? Isn’t the school covering this? When is the right age? No need to panic. Just try to get to them before their friends do. And today, that means by age 8 or 9 (are you panicking?). Really.
The good news is that by age 9, most children have reached that magical age where they begin to understand some "adult-ish" things, but are young enough to still have that innocent sense of wonder and awe. Unfortunately, it’s also the age (4th grade is notorious for this) where some kid in the classroom, usually with an older sibling, will share his or her understanding of what “sex” is – right or wrong—but usually wrong. Very wrong. That means that this magical, innocent age is the perfect time to set the “sex” record straight.
In girlology®, we always encourage parents to first ask their child what they already know about sex, because by age 8 and 9, any mention of sex will typically result in giggles. So go ahead, ask her if she’s heard the word “sex” or “sexy”? (certainly she has). Then ask her if she knows what it means. This is a great strategy for almost all of the “tough topics” that arise during adolescence. Their answers to “Tell me what you know about that” may frighten you more than the sex talk.
Now, on to the task at hand. Hopefully, you’ll get her while she’s still in the sweet stage of pre-adolescence. That doesn't mean she won't respond with a crinkled nose, fingers-in-ears, and, "ewwww!" But if you can focus on the wonder and awe part (I mean, it IS amazing how we create a new life that way!) and the part about it being a special bond between two adults who love each other (if that's what you believe), it will also set the stage for imparting your own family values and expectations.
Expectations for a 9 year old?! Yep. Once she knows what sex is, it’s never too early to tell her what you hope and expect of her when it comes to sharing her body with others.
There are lots of different ways you can describe sexual intercourse, and knowing your child will guide you. For the detail oriented, inquisitive types, just brace yourself and state the facts succinctly. For the mildly interested, creative types, you may do just as well to describe it with less detail. I know one mom who said to her 8 year old, “A man and a woman who love each other fit together just like two puzzle pieces, and that is how they make a baby.” And to that, her daughter replied, “That’s cool how two pieces can fit together just right, but not with any other pieces.” Wow...if she had only known what she was saying! Her daughter is now in her teens and I’m sure the conversations have changed significantly. But that explanation worked well for a couple of years.
Here are a few more tips that may help.
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Use the correct anatomical words.
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Get a book with pictures, start with the sperm and the egg and how they come together to make an embryo which becomes a baby. This part is usually fascinating to them.
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End with, “How do you think the sperm and the egg get together?”
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State the penis-in-vagina facts briefly and without acting embarrassed (you may need to practice those few short lines that give it away).
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Answer any questions directly and honestly.
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If you don’t know an answer, it’s ok. You don’t have to be an encyclopedia. But find out and answer her as soon as you can. It will establish that you want to be your child’s sex educator and it will also set the stage for her to come to you with her questions in the future. That’s a good thing!
Once you get the words out, you’re not done. You also need to give her a day or two to process it. Then, when you have a quiet moment together, ask her if she has any questions about your little chat. The follow up is really important for clearing up the uncertainties – and there will be some, I promise!
From personal experience, I can tell you that no two children will react the same. Your experience will be as unique as your child. Personally, I had one child who listened intently to my very factual description and had a million questions…."Really? Well, how do the sperm know where the egg is? And what happens to all the other sperm that don’t make the baby? How does the egg know when the sperm are going to be there?” It was so scientific it was almost comical. I had another child who just said, “ewwww. Do I have to do that?” To which I responded, “You don’t ever HAVE to do it, but one day when you’re a lot older, you might want to.” To that, she let out a big sigh of relief and drifted off to sleep. You can guess which child had questions for my “follow up” session two days later.
Good luck and enjoy the conversation. Keep it short and simple at this age. Hopefully, it’s just the beginning of many conversations with your daughter about your family values, making wise choices, and understanding healthy sexuality.
Melisa Holmes, MD is the Co-Founder of Girlology and co-author of three books, including the newly released, “Girlology: There’s Something New About You” for girls ages 8-12. Learn more at www.girlology.com